no one really reads this, that is why i write here.

is this really my life? this room in this city - her heart sleeps with another lover now... it doesnt seem fair that she should have mine too.

and to think, i actually thought we would be together again soon. in my mind, we havent been apart completely... (and maybe thats what she's waiting for?) no, she's not, give up hope - she was as nice and as clear as she could be.

remember her, but put this false future aside.

remember her greens - how they haunt, hunt, capture, release - all at once
remember her smell - how it proclaimed the beauty of your walk, the grace in every inch.
remember her touch - like an old lover who knows the power in her fingers
remember her kiss -

remember it all - feel it all - return to it every once in a while... but the vision of her dancing in my future is fading.

it conjures up a nausea of the heart... a special kind... that makes me love the feeling and makes me want to come apart... makes me want to cry and hold my heart, and stomp and tear it at the same time.

she fucked me up with the most beautiful grace...

she actually knew you and loved you... but she doesn't like that person...

ripenisulous

(a man walks into a copyrighting store - thats right)

Man: please tell me that the best name of a book has not already been taken?!?

Clerk: well, jasper-pants, what did you have in mind?

Man: Anybody can be Cool...But Awesome Takes Practice.

Clerk: (tapping away at the keys of his 1992 IBM)...ummm, anybody can be....uh, huh.  there it is.  (turning to the man) I am sorry sir that title has been already taken.

Man: Damn. 

Im not kidding, this is real.  I found it as the image for the Band of Horses myspace page and did a little research...well, enough to know that i really wanted to read the book until i saw the authors other titles.   

They author's books look as if they are all aimed at "juvenile decision making" .  maybe all her books should be a series called :"bullshit smoke-blowing up your youngsters ass"...catchy.

im ornery.   

talk about the ultimate false advertising.

In a time and place far away...

I could be him.

I am sitting in a cold empty living room, listening to someone sings their songs of love and the break.  I am not sure how to identify where i am in life.  Up till this point, i had the crutch lent me by my religion.  

standards.  its easy, here are the standards - now dont fuck up more than anyone else, and it's all gravy  (the truly sincere and honest make their aim the actual standard - relationship with God).  I guess i found i wasn't truly sincere within that system...it made me compete against other's morality, spirituality, character...it encouraged me to live privately, to conceal everything i truly am, to hold back the tide and not let it meet my feet.  

Living those years in silence makes me wonder if my heart and mind will ever heal.  I have chinks in the armor of my intellect, reaching deeper than expected or realized.  My heart would lay in the fetal position if it hadn't been dismembered - now, heart strings drag through the dirt - collecting the world's rubbish by movement alone.  The wind even chases when i cease to move.  Down-trodden is a weak word used by weak religions...

...I am well past down-trodden.  I am a zombie.  I am the living undead.  

My salvation is twofold.  

i am human.  i am alive.  pain is proof.  desire to love is hidden but audible.  i am human.  

This second salvation is mine to hold and seek...and you will find out in time how i was saved from religion back into humanity.  

you're wondering why i put the picture up?  or not...whatever.  It's my first fly by bum photo in LA.  He mad me think that it's better to be honest and genuine, than to be trixy and diseased.

a quick change of heart...

so i know everything i just wrote...and although i posted within the last hour, it took me a hot minute to piece it together.  

so my quick change isnt as quick as you thought...like you care.  

is this thing on?

i can say anything i want here and no one will care...amazing.

anyway, i just realized that some people just dont care.  whether they dont care about me or if i am grouped in with everyone else they dont really care about.  

so im acting bipolar...i hate you, i love you. i hate you.

point being, i am not sure any of those kinds of love exist...except with the one person, and you know who you are. 

i dont care enough about this post to actually get up and charge my computer.  i am just trying to beat the clock...11 minutes and counting till power is lost.

you might ask me, "ben, why dont you just save it and finish it later (T=minus 9 minutes - i just got the pop-up that says you are now running on reserve battery power [mac's kick ass]...and the automated voice that says, "you ass-clown..." and then fills in the blank with the information i am being alarmed to) ?" well, im lazy, if you havent figured it out...

so lazy that i am not even going to finish t....

lets be honest...about love

love.  

i dont get it.  seriously.  

first, lets take a look at some of the meanings this (worst of all 4 letter words) word:

I'm gonna use my incredibly under-utilized college education...I'm gonna teach dat ass some greek, son!

1. Eros - passionate love...think desire and longing, not necessarily romantic, but yeah its the horny love (according to wikipedia - i know what you're thinking, "great reference tool, you tool!".  well, you're right.)  Essentially, it is loving someone more than "just a friend".  Plato suggested that the word can actually mean the appreciation of beauty in another person, or beauty itself. Hence, 'platonic' relationships.

 

2. Philia - friendship.  a dispassionate yet virtuous animal. (boring)

3. Agape - anyone who has been to sunday school may be familiar with this term.  this one is a bit trickier to define - for me at least.  most of my recollection regarding this word is flooded with new testament theological imagery.  lets just say its more affection than attraction...and all encompassing word that can be directed towards people or objects.

4. Storge - affection, mostly pertaining to family members.

i know there are more definitions than this...but i got lazy.  and i think this is sufficient information for proving my point.  

i guess i am just feeling like love, or parts of it rather, are an illusion.

more directly, what i mean is the whole "falling in love/being in love/romantic love" stuff.  and to be honest, i didnt know what Plato believed until i researched this article...and as it turns out, his philosophy puts some clearer lines on my blurry thoughts.  

allow me to couple (maybe it is just a rephrasing) Plato's ideas with a modern Philosopher, Jacques Derrida.  Jacques (yeah, were on a first-name basis) posed one of the most interesting questions i have ever heard.  he asked whether we can identify the difference between loving a person or loving a person because they ______ (fill in the blank).  

do i love her?  or do i love the way she makes me feel?

do i love him? or do i love the security he gives? 

i think if you go just beneath the surface, you will find the same beautiful mess we can make with love that i did.

finally, my point (i rather like doing that - clicking away at the keys like a disinterested primate...just warming up the ole brain (i said brain for a lack of creativity in choosing a suitable cliche - "just warming up the ole grey matter" or "just warming up the ole magician's dumplings" or maybe even "just warming up the ole kit'n'kaboodle") till i get my nuerons working fast enough...

my point... i rarely doubt people find real Eros love. the others, sure you find them pretty regularly.  

why?  because they arent as risky.  

how hard is it to listen to a friend over a couple drinks, or make a gift out of random shit (but the person you made it for knows you and knows that this is the best way for you to say i love you...and im lazy), or even to set aside a day to help them move.

the hard part is when you have to be vulnerable and open.  when you have to trust and rely on someone else.  when you have to talk through your emotions with someone else let alone understand them yourself.  

i think that people rarely fall in love with each other...dont get me wrong, its there...but i think people fall in love with the idea of another person.  i fall in love with the beauty in you, and i start looking past you to your beauty.  eventually, we find out the person isnt perfect (which in my opinion makes them more beautiful) and at that point we can decide to use the other kind of loves to make the relationship move on, or we can fake a couple more months and hope it all works out.  

maybe this realization can help me convince myself that its all an illusion...but nothing feels quite like that pain...it makes me feel reborn...the constant ache in your chest, the ridiculous things you think you are going to do, the first time it all comes rushing back (when you see that person, or hear you song, or remember something special) after you thought you were over it...all of it.  

if it is an illusion, let me fade from reality.  

with all of love's scars and wounds to come, i want to love...

regardless

the wolves by Bon Iver

someday my pain, someday my pain

will mark you

harness your blame, harness your blame

and walk through

with the wild wolves around you

in the morning, i'll call you

send it farther on

solace my game, solace my game

it stars you

swing wide your crane, swing wide your crane

and run me through

and the story's all over you

in the morning, i'll call you

can't you find a clue

when your eyes are all painted Sinatra blue

what might have been lost

what might have been lost

dont bother me

its been an eternity...

what i like most about blogs...

my warped perspective on self has been bitter-sweet when it comes to my fascination with a unanimous audience...i am, of course, talking about you (the reader).  

i dont even know if there is a section on this site where i can view this info (number of people viewing my blog), and if there is - i will gladly veer my clicking away from it's coordinates.  

i guess i just feel rusty...like i am lacing up my shoes while my joints start their mutiny against the rest of my body.  

maybe it's hard to write because so much has happened since i last posted...

i wont bore you with details...but the consequences (which i knew were coming, and arent necessarily negative) of my recent decisions have caused me a case of anxiety that has got me wrapped up tight.  they were decisions that needed to be made, and i believe the consequences of choosing the alternative would have brought far more troubling results.

to try to put what i am experiencing in words:

there is nothing stable, nothing to prop yourself on, nothing to rely on...i am constantly getting more tired, exhausted even.  i cant describe what i am trying to stand on because it isnt ground...it's like a membrane i have to balance myself on at all times.  i look to the stars for answers - i dont care what God wants to show me - good...bad -  if God is there, i just want to know.  

i couldnt tell you who i am right now.  

i had a depressing realization the other day: 

nothing really matters.

i like that. it implies that while most things in life dont matter...there are a few things that do.

i like to crawl into my mind and lay next to my depressed thoughts about life and the world and philosophy and stars and funnel cakes. 

here is the actual point of my post (i havent written it yet, so lets hope its good)...

anxiety (noun) :

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an immanent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

now, i will admit that i only have minor degrees of depression and anxiety.  but the fucked-up part of it is that i dont know what i am anxious about...no clue.  blank.  zero.  then starts the cycle of metamorphous.  i start to resemble a caterpillar searching out its home...only i search for a dark room, preferably with both a couch and a bed, but just 1 will do.  i lodge myself in a cocoon of blankets and pillows...then a haze comes over me.  i am living...i mean, i am alive.  but no one event is of any significance to remember - so i let it all fade away.  

it usually lasts a week or so.  

im done...tell me what you think...my crowd of expectant readers...hah.

wotl.1

let me preface what you are about to read. the following is me trying to work on my sensory writing skills, then a quote from WOTL (warrior of the light), then i dont know...i just wrote...enjoy.

its mid-august in florida and an unusually cool breeze swirls around me. the Marlboro smokes holds to the breeze as it dances from right to left then back to right. My grin tells of a scheme I'm contemplating…I grin because this heist will never take place – I'm not that crazy. Billowing clouds shout tempts of rain from above my head. The sun breaks the cloud's grasp on my mood as it casts shadows and warms my skin. Thom York hums the tune that helps me escape my body – that temple has taken too much abuse. My feet move to the beat as if they had no choice, like Mr. Tumnus fluting me to sleep.

"God will be singing there…and we'll all be singing up there, with virgins…
…I had to be there, I had to be there, I had to be there, I had to be there…"
-Sublime "jailhouse"

When a Warrior of the Light is victim of some injustice, he usually tries to be alone, in order to not show his pain to others.

This is both good and bad.

It is one thing to allow one's heart to heal its wounds slowly, but it is quite another to sit all day in deep contemplation for fear of seeming weak.

Inside each of us there lives and angel and a devil, and their voices are very alike. Confronted by a problem, the devil encourages that solitary conversation, trying to show us how vulnerable we are. The angel makes us reflect upon our attitudes and occasionally needs someone else's heart to reveal itself.

A Warrior balances solitude and dependence.

By Paulo Coelho

Damn.

Its passages like this that ruin our chance at despair. As I read Coelho's words, I can't help but recognize thoughts of hope and feelings of determination rising up in me.

This is a sad attempt at an all-encompassing apology to those I have wronged by my isolation the past few months. Please know that my heart is softening…finally. I can say with full confidence that the person I am finding myself to be is very like the person you all know me as, and very unlike that person as well.

I am a people pleaser and argument avoider (apparently, I am very good at cheesy alliteration). But I am finding that this is not really me...I am changing this part of me.

I hold back 5% in everything I do – never letting anyone completely see all of me. I am more talented than I would like to think, and I am the most prideful person I know. I don't want to do this anymore...I want to love fully...and let others love me fully.

I have a deep longing to know God's heart, and I want that more than anything – but I have never been more scared than anything (I guess this is a good thing…I'm finally approaching God relationally).

I think I should be a song-writer, here is why: 1) I can rhyme 2) I have clever lines occasionally 3) I can play guitar 4) I love music in my ears and in my head 5) I have a decent voice 6) I can attach emotion to songs (hopefully transferring a feeling to the listener) 7) I can sometimes dress like a musician.

Sorry for that sad attempt at lazy, prideful humor.

One of my clever lines was, "this anxiety drives me looking for the next substance to abuse, walking past pimps, whores, and bums – not caring always has its own excuse"

I had an amazingly encouraging conversation with a remarkably intelligent yet incredibly simple man last night. I say simple as the way he lives his life. Do not confuse simplicity with ease; one has significance, while the other just has lies. He is a visionary. He is daring. He has fallen in love with the heart of God, and wants others to get there however they can.

The ironic thing about my conversation with this man was our agreement about what God desires most from us. We agreed that being Honest is the first thing we must be with God, others, and maybe most importantly – ourselves.

This man is seeing what I am seeing…the lack of honesty in the world, but more specifically, Christianity. I will refer to Rob Bell's book "Sex God" to illustrate a facet of this problem with honesty.

Bell writes about the difference in our perspective of who we, as humans, are supposed to be. He uses the example of angels and animals. Essentially, Rob identifies that we are trying to act like angels and ignore the fact that we are human, and that common mark of humanity means there are some things that none of us can ignore. Now, some of these are my beliefs (even though I said "we" can't ignore them), and I know some will disagree with me.

Every human has value, no matter what damage they have done to themselves or others.

Every human has the capacity to create.

Every human has a split personality: ying & yang, good & evil, angels & demons…whatever you want to call it, we all live double lives. No matter how perfect someone might appear, that is only half of them – privately, their face contorts into squinted scheming eyes and a devilish defiant grin. Rebellion becomes their persona. If you could enter the deep walls of their inner-life, you could smell the scent of pride dancing the hallways…you could touch the scars that give them a reason to act as they do…you could enter their bed-chamber to find evil seducing you as righteousness slouches in chains…you could talk with a potential killer, a potential rapist, a potential liar. But every human has the amazing potential for good, which I believe was given us by God. In order for me to do good in the world, I cannot detach that good from God…it is His good and I am gracefully invited to share in that goodness.

Every human, whether knowingly or unknowingly, has a desire to connect with a higher power.

Every human has the capacity to love and needs to be loved.

Every human has to eat, shit, drink, piss, and perform other necessary bodily functions.

Every human is finite, limited by time, and unable to escape that reality.

Every human has the capacity to be holistically healthy…balancing emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual, sexual, and relational aspects of their lives.

Every human needs to find their own path in life, but this cannot be accomplished without a community.

There are many more…but I think you are get the gist.

So, I have written a number of different genres in this post, and I have probably written something that would be worth discussion…I hope.

"I'm a black swan"

our fate’s are the same

And this moonlit sky unveils a scene
Too beautiful to see
And if words relay my emotions true
Then blaze I will this midnight dream
With taunts of pompous prideful grit
Unfolding heart & hands & shit
To an unknown God of holy peace
To finding love and release

and i've been thinkin' you should wait and i believe that Jesus saves

and if we all would mute our hate, we could love our brothers all the same

But history's hands are holding tight
The faulty truth that sleep suscribes
In a thousand woken moments fell
As I crept and danced the gates of hell
Darker arts have darker depths
Of trivial pursuits and drunken bets


of toothless whores and wealthy preachers
of lincoln's slaves and sexual creatures

of brimming hate set off with lust
of honestless, cheating trust

of pious men holding history close
of purgatory, of faceless ghosts

of fruitless fear for tomorrow's sun
of conditioned souls, the unwill of one

of muffled whispers and swollen hands
of time's unyielding, un-fuckin-realistic demands

if you could breathe this air, you would
a toast to the finest of Hollywood
the salty air contains your fate
its this…to rise and sleep another day.

an unfinished response...

this is my somewhat short, yet honest response to Mr. Nick Jans' comments about Alexander Supertramp's (that was his name - not Chris McCandless) life and death.  

the first thing that i must admit to you, Mr. Jans, is that you are of a much higher intellectual pool than i.  you write very expressively and what i conclude to be honestly.  but your tongue is sharp...and i hope it is sharper than your heart (my oxymoronic belief about human nature being both evil and good at the same time leads me to a hopeful conclusion in regards to your heart's status).  

Your response reeks of the arrogance you hold about your knowledge of your own territory.  and while we all know our own backyards best, my education in human interaction leaves me wondering if you haven't missed the point.

yes, alex was cocky.  yes, he was idealistic.  and yes, he was enthusiastic about his convictions.  but he also was more alive than you or i will ever be.

you claim to be a teacher, yet you fail to see the lesson in this story.  alex leaves a legacy you cannot.  your cynicism and cleverness will not always act as your shield.  i know because i am a less-intelligent, less-talented, but possibly more passionate version of you (yet, i dont assume anything without meeting you personally).

i too, like you, have had a couple drinks.  and while your analysis of alex is probably correct on a surface level - i have found that there are elements that pass beyond human understanding.  He was alive - and here is where i consider myself closer to him and further from american society...

we (society in general) dont agree on reality - even though some believe they hold the reality of all realities.  i have the same frustrations (assuredly, to a lesser degree than alex), i have the same desires, i have the same conclusions...and while i wont go to the extremes that he did, i can learn an infinite amount from him (just as i can from anyone), but specifically from him due to the connection i sense with nature...the same connection alex sensed with nature.

you say you are sorry for his parents, as am i.  but you have devalued his life, his worth as a person, and his purpose (which i fully believe he accomplished).  while most of us live in the economy of constructed organization, some break from the bonds of conditioning...and whether it is tragedy or victory, they are more than conquerors.  alex is such a person...and i, for one (but probably not the only one) will choose to view his life as a victory...a brief time in history that shed light on the meaning of tragedy, conviction, and redemption.

although, i have discovered that tragedy and victory are close friends.  One usually goes before the other - it's just a matter of which we will be experiencing when we die...