wotl.1

let me preface what you are about to read. the following is me trying to work on my sensory writing skills, then a quote from WOTL (warrior of the light), then i dont know...i just wrote...enjoy.

its mid-august in florida and an unusually cool breeze swirls around me. the Marlboro smokes holds to the breeze as it dances from right to left then back to right. My grin tells of a scheme I'm contemplating…I grin because this heist will never take place – I'm not that crazy. Billowing clouds shout tempts of rain from above my head. The sun breaks the cloud's grasp on my mood as it casts shadows and warms my skin. Thom York hums the tune that helps me escape my body – that temple has taken too much abuse. My feet move to the beat as if they had no choice, like Mr. Tumnus fluting me to sleep.

"God will be singing there…and we'll all be singing up there, with virgins…
…I had to be there, I had to be there, I had to be there, I had to be there…"
-Sublime "jailhouse"

When a Warrior of the Light is victim of some injustice, he usually tries to be alone, in order to not show his pain to others.

This is both good and bad.

It is one thing to allow one's heart to heal its wounds slowly, but it is quite another to sit all day in deep contemplation for fear of seeming weak.

Inside each of us there lives and angel and a devil, and their voices are very alike. Confronted by a problem, the devil encourages that solitary conversation, trying to show us how vulnerable we are. The angel makes us reflect upon our attitudes and occasionally needs someone else's heart to reveal itself.

A Warrior balances solitude and dependence.

By Paulo Coelho

Damn.

Its passages like this that ruin our chance at despair. As I read Coelho's words, I can't help but recognize thoughts of hope and feelings of determination rising up in me.

This is a sad attempt at an all-encompassing apology to those I have wronged by my isolation the past few months. Please know that my heart is softening…finally. I can say with full confidence that the person I am finding myself to be is very like the person you all know me as, and very unlike that person as well.

I am a people pleaser and argument avoider (apparently, I am very good at cheesy alliteration). But I am finding that this is not really me...I am changing this part of me.

I hold back 5% in everything I do – never letting anyone completely see all of me. I am more talented than I would like to think, and I am the most prideful person I know. I don't want to do this anymore...I want to love fully...and let others love me fully.

I have a deep longing to know God's heart, and I want that more than anything – but I have never been more scared than anything (I guess this is a good thing…I'm finally approaching God relationally).

I think I should be a song-writer, here is why: 1) I can rhyme 2) I have clever lines occasionally 3) I can play guitar 4) I love music in my ears and in my head 5) I have a decent voice 6) I can attach emotion to songs (hopefully transferring a feeling to the listener) 7) I can sometimes dress like a musician.

Sorry for that sad attempt at lazy, prideful humor.

One of my clever lines was, "this anxiety drives me looking for the next substance to abuse, walking past pimps, whores, and bums – not caring always has its own excuse"

I had an amazingly encouraging conversation with a remarkably intelligent yet incredibly simple man last night. I say simple as the way he lives his life. Do not confuse simplicity with ease; one has significance, while the other just has lies. He is a visionary. He is daring. He has fallen in love with the heart of God, and wants others to get there however they can.

The ironic thing about my conversation with this man was our agreement about what God desires most from us. We agreed that being Honest is the first thing we must be with God, others, and maybe most importantly – ourselves.

This man is seeing what I am seeing…the lack of honesty in the world, but more specifically, Christianity. I will refer to Rob Bell's book "Sex God" to illustrate a facet of this problem with honesty.

Bell writes about the difference in our perspective of who we, as humans, are supposed to be. He uses the example of angels and animals. Essentially, Rob identifies that we are trying to act like angels and ignore the fact that we are human, and that common mark of humanity means there are some things that none of us can ignore. Now, some of these are my beliefs (even though I said "we" can't ignore them), and I know some will disagree with me.

Every human has value, no matter what damage they have done to themselves or others.

Every human has the capacity to create.

Every human has a split personality: ying & yang, good & evil, angels & demons…whatever you want to call it, we all live double lives. No matter how perfect someone might appear, that is only half of them – privately, their face contorts into squinted scheming eyes and a devilish defiant grin. Rebellion becomes their persona. If you could enter the deep walls of their inner-life, you could smell the scent of pride dancing the hallways…you could touch the scars that give them a reason to act as they do…you could enter their bed-chamber to find evil seducing you as righteousness slouches in chains…you could talk with a potential killer, a potential rapist, a potential liar. But every human has the amazing potential for good, which I believe was given us by God. In order for me to do good in the world, I cannot detach that good from God…it is His good and I am gracefully invited to share in that goodness.

Every human, whether knowingly or unknowingly, has a desire to connect with a higher power.

Every human has the capacity to love and needs to be loved.

Every human has to eat, shit, drink, piss, and perform other necessary bodily functions.

Every human is finite, limited by time, and unable to escape that reality.

Every human has the capacity to be holistically healthy…balancing emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual, sexual, and relational aspects of their lives.

Every human needs to find their own path in life, but this cannot be accomplished without a community.

There are many more…but I think you are get the gist.

So, I have written a number of different genres in this post, and I have probably written something that would be worth discussion…I hope.

"I'm a black swan"