my warped perspective on self has been bitter-sweet when it comes to my fascination with a unanimous audience...i am, of course, talking about you (the reader).
i dont even know if there is a section on this site where i can view this info (number of people viewing my blog), and if there is - i will gladly veer my clicking away from it's coordinates.
i guess i just feel rusty...like i am lacing up my shoes while my joints start their mutiny against the rest of my body.
maybe it's hard to write because so much has happened since i last posted...
i wont bore you with details...but the consequences (which i knew were coming, and arent necessarily negative) of my recent decisions have caused me a case of anxiety that has got me wrapped up tight. they were decisions that needed to be made, and i believe the consequences of choosing the alternative would have brought far more troubling results.
to try to put what i am experiencing in words:
there is nothing stable, nothing to prop yourself on, nothing to rely on...i am constantly getting more tired, exhausted even. i cant describe what i am trying to stand on because it isnt ground...it's like a membrane i have to balance myself on at all times. i look to the stars for answers - i dont care what God wants to show me - good...bad - if God is there, i just want to know.
i couldnt tell you who i am right now.
i had a depressing realization the other day:
nothing really matters.
i like that. it implies that while most things in life dont matter...there are a few things that do.
i like to crawl into my mind and lay next to my depressed thoughts about life and the world and philosophy and stars and funnel cakes.
here is the actual point of my post (i havent written it yet, so lets hope its good)...
anxiety (noun) :
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an immanent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
now, i will admit that i only have minor degrees of depression and anxiety. but the fucked-up part of it is that i dont know what i am anxious about...no clue. blank. zero. then starts the cycle of metamorphous. i start to resemble a caterpillar searching out its home...only i search for a dark room, preferably with both a couch and a bed, but just 1 will do. i lodge myself in a cocoon of blankets and pillows...then a haze comes over me. i am living...i mean, i am alive. but no one event is of any significance to remember - so i let it all fade away.
it usually lasts a week or so.
im done...tell me what you think...my crowd of expectant readers...hah.
1 comment:
I'll tell you what i think you fucker.
I think it feels like it's been to long since I felt anxious about life. As if all the worry and looking forward to life as it could be has gone and a feeling of apathy is creeping and fighting its way in. No girl is good enough, no place interesting enough, and no job really worth my effort.
i think your the closest thing i have to family out here...well besides my family.
Post a Comment